Afterward

“Afterward”
-Michael David Anderson-

 
This battleground,
where our hearts lost each other
and our pride fought for supremacy,
was once a work of art,
and the beauty I beheld in that place
came crashing down
even as I sought to make repairs.

It takes two to build and mend,
but one or both can command the army
or opposing sides
to tear it all down,
to leave it in ruin,
and watch it burn and smolder
as a testament to what has been lost.

There were cracks in the foundation.
I think we found them after.

If anyone says I didn’t see this coming,
they’re fools,
and obviously don’t know me as well as they think they do.
I saw the signs.
I play my cards close to my chest,
hoping against logic and common sense
for the best.

I wouldn’t change who I was.
I learned long ago such an act is folly.
I can strive to better myself and grow,
but I can’t be someone else.
I just wanted you to want me
as much as I wanted you,
and although the words might have eluded me
in times of need
and my feelings didn’t always show on my face
(for even those of us who appear calm and reserved feel,
and damn, do we feel more deeply than you give us credit!)
I lost the feeling you wanted me too.

I never wanted to feel so lonely or unwanted.
Not with you.
Never with you.

This gulf divided us,
and I couldn’t cross it alone.

But I know who I am,
and I never lost sight of that.
I immersed myself in you and,
later,
dreams of you,
but I never lost myself.

I’m still me,
in pain,
and even the words I speak now – my peace – hurt like hell.

But I’m still me,
even after all that’s happened,
and there is no animosity.
Only pain,
and it reminds me that I do feel,
that I’m alive,
and I’d rather feel this
than be cold and numb…
lost.

 

Copyright © March 2016 by Michael David Anderson

 

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